I am reading Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life by Charles Swindoll and in one of the chapters he asks the question "What is the most defining moment of your life?" I immediately thought of my testimony, the moment God changed my life. Ironically this is not a specific moment in time, at least I can't pinpoint one. After reading this chapter there was a sermon at my church in which we were encouraged us to write our testimonies down and document the ways God has moved in our lives. Enter Holy Spirit and His conviction for me to write down my testimony and share it with others. So despite my feeling awkward and as though I can't do justice to the change God has made, it is not about me, but about Him so here I go.
As any good testimony would do I will begin with life before God. Growing up I knew of God from attending Catholic Sunday school as an elementary student, but He was not a central figure in our lives. I simply heard about Him once a week until my brother and I refused to go to Sunday school. I was in middle school when we stopped attending. When we moved back to the area where all our family lived, I was able to see glimpses of Him when I spent time with my Nana and one set of cousins. I helped my Nana take care of my younger cousins in the summers, and gleaned so much from her. Although I do wish I would have paid a little more attention while she was still with us. It saddens me that we didn't get to share our faith while she was here on earth, but I can't wait to see her in Heaven one day. The family I spent a lot of time with in my high school years, was made up of three cousins whom were sisters. Since they were Christians I was able to experience God through them as well. I saw how they lived set apart, but only looking back on it now can I truly appreciate it and the impact it had on me. I know that being around my Nana and cousins laid the seed for my faith.
Even with these amazing people in my life showing me God, there was a lot going on under the surface. I had always had feelings of inadequacy and simply wanted to be liked. I was a huge people pleaser. I didn't want to be the center of attention, but I did long to have my voice heard and valued among my peers. It was hard for that to happen because of the walls I had erected. In college my feelings were amplified, and boys began paying attention to me for the first time. Obviously this led to the disastrous search for love in all the wrong ways. As a part of this search, I became involved with a man who would define my life in an extremely negative way. He was emotionally manipulative and abusive making me feel like I was never good enough. This served as confirmation of the lies I already believed about myself. Thankfully the relationship only lasted a year, but in the process I lost my best friend from high school. There was so much damage done that I am still undoing it, twenty years later. Alas, that is a more in depth story for another day.
Thankfully God brought my husband into my life through some pretty interesting circumstances, but again that's a story for a different time. During the first nine years of our marriage, I suffered from the rollercoaster of depression, was extremely pessimistic and sarcastic, dealt with sexual sin both alone and together with my husband and I was having panic attacks in regards to dying. There I was a mom with three young children and the thought of dying terrified and crippled me. I was moody, angry, a massive complainer and overall not really a pleasant person to be around. I had mastered the art of bottling up all of my emotions, because who needed to talk about them. I let resentment and emotions build up until they exploded like a volcano. My communication skills were nonexistent, and caused a lot of tension because I refused to talk pre-explosion. As a result of being quiet and reserved I spent the majority of time in my head and life was just passing me by in a miserable blur. I was drowning and felt as though no one could save me, the sinking was inevitable.
But God! In the spring of 2015 God reached His hand down and pulled me out of the water. I can't remember their being a catalyst or something specific that happened where I finally heard God. I simply remember Him gently nudging me towards Him, and gradually sensing His presence as He made Himself known to me. He began putting godly women and influences into my life. This was the huge benefit of social media for me, being able to find other women who were following the Lord and could guide me, without me actually knowing them in person. These women slowly showed me what it meant to follow Him. He would put the people in my life who I needed in that season and it has changed as I have grown. There were some things He changed that felt pretty instantaneous, while others have been more gradual. The instantaneous transformation banished my depression, anxiety, some of the sexual sin and the fear of death. I was no longer moody or unpleasant to be around. It has taken much longer to tackle my self-doubt, the trauma from my abusive relationship, and develop healthy communication skills. However, the immediate changes were so significant that my husband will tell you I had become a very different woman.
God works in such amazing ways and as my relationship with Him grew, He used me to bring my husband back to Him. We began going to church in fall of 2017 based on a recommendation from my husbands co-worker and we still are attending that church to this day. In addition, our family life was slowly transforming as we introduced our children to God. By the summer of 2018 Holy Spirit was prompting me to announce that I belonged to God. Both my oldest child and I were baptized that year. We continued discovering what it meant to follow God and walk the path He had for us. In the summer of 2019 God called us to sell our house and move in with my parents so that He could provide a job change for my husband. At the beginning of 2020 he quit his job to set off on an adventure and a two month long class. Then as we all know the world shut down and we saw why God had us with my parents, as my husband's class was canceled and he was without employment for about 6 months. God provided employment and my husband is much happier in this job than he ever was in his previous one.
God is faithful and loving and the journey is an ongoing one. I will be the first to say the journey is not easy, but when we rely on God there is peace even amidst the storms. This past year alone is a testament to how challenging and hurtful sanctification can be. However, the peace and joy I have now is so opposite the depression and struggle I had before. I feel freedom in a way that feels impossible to explain. That love I had been searching for in all the wrong places was waiting for me in God's arms. I am His child and He will never leave me. I get to spend eternity with Him and nothing brings me more joy than that knowledge. I am so grateful that God takes the time to sanctify us. It's so interesting to me to see His plans coming to fruition. Everything is in His good timing, and while I was immediately made a new creation and some changes reflected that, the process of sanctification takes time and God will guide changes in us when it is time and we can have the most success.
I realize He is calling me to share more about my journey and to be truly faithful in posting here on the blog, so I need to be obedient in what He is asking of me. I will say I'm not off to a great start as I have been sitting on this post for at least a week, because posting it feels so vulnerable and terrifying. Posting it is taking a giant leap of faith and I am a person who loves to stay within my comfort zone. Yet, how boring would that be, and I wouldn't be able to glorify God which is what I am called to do. So I'm hitting post, and trusting Him in my obedience.
Thank you for taking the time to read about my testimony. I hope you have a blessed day.
